Legal Disclaimer:The typical stuff, i do not own the rights for Xena, Gabriele and the others, unfortunately that rights are of StudiosUSA , Universal Pictures and the rest of TPTB, and my personal opinion is that they are people who care nothing about the fans and need a good kick on their asses.
Language: pretty angry Gabrielle + stupid series ender + angry and sarcastic writer = yeah pretty much...well nothing you haven't heard or written.
Subtext: What's subtext? Ahhh you mean you think they are just friends...are you sure you and I have seen the same season? =)
No really this is a story in which they love each other...I'm pretty open minded so this don't bothers me...
Spoilers: FIN, what more?
Well now I have a current obsession, about Fin, obviously...You know stupid plot holes, stupid after- declarations, stupid last minute rules, stupid protocols about death, and stuff like that. Sound Familiar?
Others: I tried to make this comic but I'm helplessly ironic I hope it worked!
(Ah this is a little bit large, 20 pages on word format)
Comments: are well received on email@example.com
"A Pot in Need"
(or Potty Business)
INSIDE AN INN- (very noisy inn)
A blond amazon dressed woman at the end slamming her head on a table and mumbling to herself some nasty words.
"Great...." she said between teeth, she took a sip of wine and closed her eyes, feeling the strong liquid inside her she opened her eyes and began to re read the story she was writing "Gods this is horrible.....this...this is a cooking recipe! Xena!" she shouted turning and seeing the now friendly spirit standing behind her reading her parchment.
"Gaby you've got a problem" the warrior pointed smiling at the parchment.
"You think?" the bard asked ironically.
Xena read it again , trying to figure a good thing on the scroll
"this is the story of a.....Stupid warrior....who the hell told you YOU can leave me?...how did you dare to leave me? Stupid shorty....Akemi my ass.....i hate you. I hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you, it's your fault it's your fault...god damned samurais....god damned protocol! God damned sunset.....Akemi bastard liar...stupid little island, the smallest i have ever seen with the smallest people....god damned shoties!....."
"Well your story now seems a big arc, with no heart, and a little bit repetitive...with no offense of course" said the warrior sarcastically.
"Yeah? for that your pot and you are going to sleep on the couch! You have said that about my last two...no wait...my last three scrolls!!" answered the bard poking the spirit in the chest while everyone in the tavern silenced looked at her. "You to your business!" she shouted to them taking her sai on her hand threatening everyone. "And if they are bad is your fault! I wanted to stopped writing finishing the fates changing story..."
the warrior interrupted her "And the title was the worst...when fates collide; what the heck do the fates have to do with it?"
"You could have named it "The empress and the playwright" or "Empress Xena" or something like that"
"You always wanted my scrolls to be named simply I could have named the last one 'Warrior on a bottle!'
"It's an urn" Xena remarked.
"Urn, pot bottle is the same!...well I don't have to explain you this...it's your fault that i write bad now"
"Yeah right...it's the deceased warrior's fault" she said rolling her eyes at listening the same line she has heard for the last 4 months.
"I...I have lost my inspiration!...i don't know how to write anymore! And it's your fault...I wished I have poured your ashes on that big ridiculous birdbath!"
"Fountain of strength.....the name was fountain of strength..."
"that one...but the only thing that hardened was your head" Gabrielle whispered.
"Hey I heard you! Remember I'm dead I can hear your thoughts" Xena reminded her.
"Oh yes can you listen to this?" questioned frowning an eyebrow.
"Ugggh..that's not nice.....that's ridiculous! ...A little bit nasty....Gabrielle!!!! stop doing that " said Xena holding her head at the imminent pain of thousand of words and phrases to her.
"No! it's my vengeance! You are very familiar with that concept isn't?"
"You win what do you want to do?" the bard stopped her nasty and horrible thoughts to the warrior and put her hands on her hips.
"I'm going to restore you, then i want to kick your princessly ass!"
"You can't..." xena said again bored of saying the same since they went out of Japa (n)
"Don't tell me I can't kick you...been there done that!"
"No you can't restore me..." said the warrior sadly, holding the bard's shoulders.
"Don't say that too! Xena if you don't want that your dear pot stay inside a tomb for the rest of the year you'll let me find a way to bring you back..."
"Yeah right...no don't give me that look, it's my trademark, and what are you going to do? the second sunset has passed ...."said the warrior sadly
"i don't care... i can find a way... Xena i can't go on like this, believe me i have tried but it's to much to ask...It's very simply I want you, alive and kicking... so I'm gonna act like a bitching teenager and bring you back with your help or without it"
"Ok... you win, if you find a way to restore me I'll help you to bring me back..."
Finally smiling, the blonde interrupted Xena counting all her choices "Okay we can make an amazon ritual which is a little bit nasty and dangerous, or we can call on our favors to Dite which will be easy, or asking Ares to restore you, we can give you some ambrosia...uh never mind you don't have a damn body erase the last one...we can beg to Eli, we can call Eve maybe she could do something, we can use the mendhi to go back on time and pour your little ashes, we can revive you like the time when we bring Alti....we can use the paragraph twenty of your hero contract...or we can try to find the book of the dead...or some other lousy mystical object "
"Wait what's that?" Xena asked interrupting the blonde.
"The book of the dead? Is an ancient and mystical..."
"No, no, the paragraph of my contract!"
"Ah that one...well here" holding a large scroll which extended to the floor "says that as hero the last time you will be ever killed for the next 5 years was on Ides of March...you died a lot of times in one season so the censorship punished TPTB, they crossed the line you know?... just think poisoned by Callisto, smashed by a tree, crucified, and all that deaths in the day which everything repeated, ending with being butchered by a whole army...did I miss something? "
"Yeah a couple of ones...but do you think we can make them bring me back?... I mean it says the next 5 years, we were in our freezing tomb 25 years, then I lost one, and this one, and the year when eve died..." said Xena hopelessly.
"Hey the 25 thing doesn't counts you have had 3 active years at most...well you can erase the lost year of the memory you weren't yourself in that time... it's written here look here's your sign...wa...wait...when did you signed this?"
"Ah well....the time when I became a demon and an archangel, between that i have to sign this"
"Great and why I didn't?"
"Because in that time you were still being a sidekick...after that well you progressed"
Green eyes glared at her "Well...I will have to talk to them...first thing first, you take this and put it on TPTB faces!"
The warrior took the scroll "Ok..." she put her side of the face to the bard.
The bard looked at her " what do you pretend?"
"Just a 'see you later, good luck kiss'..." the warrior said innocently putting a puppy face.
The bard approached and gave her a kiss on the cheek, looking to the warrior's disappointment she hold the spirits face and planted her a tender kiss on the lips, then she whispered in the tall's ear "you are still going to sleep on the couch the next two months after I get you back" Xena just smiled an then faded.
Gabrielle sited again and saw that everybody was looking at her strangely, and whispering between them she took her sai out again and spoke loudly "I am not crazy...i...was just taking to my... my death soulmate for godsake!" the people didn't knew what to at that moment do to laugh at her of feel sorry, everyone laughed "Well when she comes back I'm gonna show you!" more laughs "It's true!!" she pleaded a man in the front yelled "And now you are gonna say that you are the babbling bard don't ya?" more laughs she turned beet red of anger "Battling! yes I am Gabrielle so what?" roaring laughter. She stood and got out of the inn, before she crossed the door a man held her from the arm "Hey we liked your spectacle, will you able to come every Friday night?" she glared at him evilly and got finally out. "Hey we could call you the nutty bard....or the warrior poet...or Xena the second! We pay good!"
TPTB OFFICES- (very noisy, many angels going from one side to another, and some new souls asking simple things.)
Xena entered in a large building with a lot of offices inside of it, she approached to a woman on a desk, she straightened herself and took seat.
"I'm Xena, of Amphipolis I need to..."
"Take a number please miss.." the lady told her, without looking at her and filling some forms.
"No buts, we are at full..take a number and we'll call you when it's your time" still without looking at her.
Xena raised her eyebrow at the treat she was having
"Don't raise your eyebrow madam"
Xena was perplexed, so as angry as she was she got up and took a number, 135 "Great"
She took seat on a row of chairs, a man was at her side
"Excuse me in which number they go?"
"On the 35" the man replied solemnly.
She looked with despair her ticket and rose again her eyebrow, whispering some non-polite words.
"Down your eyebrow and don't swear Miss Amphipolis!" the secretary yelled to her from the other side of the room, still not looking at her.
Xena got surprised and acted like a punished girl.
SAME OFFICE 12 HOURS LATER-
The warrior was tired of being sited, she stretched herself, finally on a speaker they called "Number 135, desk 5, 135 desk 5"
Xena rose immediately and went to the desk 5...to her surprise it was the same desk of the irritating secretary.
"Miss Amphipolis right?" the secretary asked filling a form.
"Yes" the warrior just answered.
The secretary searched her historial on a file box then she found it, it was very big, she hold it and slammed it on the desk.
"Whoa this is one of the biggest I have ever seen" said the woman in the same tone voice.
At the top of the inform was a big stamp that said in red letters 'Deceased'
"Oh this is not good" said the woman
"What?" Xena asked a little bit nervous.
"Well you are new deceased...you should have listed in the new deceased rows, take another number and..." Xena exploded with this, she rose and slammed her hands on the desk "Listen to me, poor excuse for secretary!" she glared at the woman with the patented cold-icy-evil-look "Im not a very cooperative spirit and now I am a little bit annoyed...and although i am deceased I am able to kill some simple life forms"
The secretary was now really scared, she pushed a button under the desk and a pair of very muscled archangels with black glasses entered to the office.
Xena looked at them and turned again to the woman "pretty bad mistake"
The angels tried to hold Xena, but before they could hold her she kicked them both, and began to battle with them, after some hand to hand combat she took one and tossed the angel towards the other one. Once they were on the floor, Michael appeared.
"Xena...I should have guessed" said smiling, walking toward her to greet her.
She warned him with a finger "Michael I am very, very, unstable..."
"Do not shush me!" she increased her voice tone.
"Ok Xena, calm down, come to my office and I will attend you personally...agree?"
"Alright" said the warrior clenching her teeth.
The headed to another door, and finally the woman breathed again.
ANOTHER OFFICE (luxurious)
"Xena take a seat" the archangel offered her. "What brings you here?" asked serving himself some wine, and offering Xena some, she refused.
"I thought you knew it..."
"Well i know that you stupidly let yourself get killed, butchered and beheaded, then you left Gabrielle..."
"I know that part...i want you to restore me..." she said flatly
"Xena you are dead I can't restore you"
"Of course you can...been there done that! "
"Well this thing don't say the same!" exclaimed Xena holding out the scroll.
"Ohh...your contract scroll.....well it's true that you couldn't be killed in the next 5 years....but well you were 25 years entombed, one on Norse lands, and 2 more on the road that makes 28 years....23 years out of limit..."
"Michael we both know that you can't count the 25 years and the one of Norse, I wasn't actively myself....Mike did you remember everything I did for being with Gabrielle" the archangel just nodded "I'm gonna refresh your memory...I went for her tartarus and back...and I almost destroyed that little winged heaven"
"Okay Xena, I got the picture, I'm gonna counsel it with the powers that be, and see if they can do something..."
Xena closed her eyes, and stopped being strong "Michael please...I'm asking you as a favor...I'm begging to you....I ...I can't live with out her....i can't bear this....please..."
'Begging?' He smiled "She threatened you with the couch isn't it"
Xena smiled him back.
"But i know what you say it's true...believe me you are the most powerful soulmates I have ever know....so I'm gonna see if I can help you with them" pointing to the sky.
"Thanks.." said the warrior meaning it, then she got out of the building and disappeared.
"Gezz Xena...you are a lovesick isn't?...okay let's see if we find something here" he took the enormous file and searched something in the contract that would help the warrior"
MICHAEL'S OFFICE- ten hours later
Almost finishing the file and the bottle of wine Michael rub his eyes "God damned warrior..." a thunder sounded he looked up "Eh...sorry! I...I didn't mean that" another thunder "Really...I mean it!"
He shouted puzzled "Xena why you didn't let Gabrielle pour yourself on that bird bath?!"
GABRIELLE'S ROOM- night
The bard was on the bed facing to the ceiling playing with her sais, one fell and knock her on her temple. "Son of a...." she took the sai and threw it to the door.
"I expected a nicer greeting...who do you think you are Cupid?" said Xena taking out the sai that has plunged into her "spirit" body right on her chest and in the door.
"Xena" said Gabrielle going to where Xena was, for the smile the warrior had on her face she knew she had a good day. She hugged her tightly.
"I thought you said you were gonna kick my ass the next time you'll see me"
"That will be when you are alive again...it will be more...painful" said the bard smiling more. "Now tell me how it was?" asked the shorted bringing Xena to sit with her in the bed.
"Well...horrible offices, 12 hours waiting, some archangels trying to kick my butt out of there, a inefficient secretary, more time with Michael and I hope that after all told him we'll help us, that's all..."
"Poor little pot" teased the bard.
"Cut that out..." Xena warned her smiling.
"And what did you tell Michael?"
"The truth...that I can't live with out you...don't say it!...that I couldn't bear being apart of you, and that I love you more than anything..."
Gabrielle giggled "and i guess you threatened him with taking heaven again"
Both laughed at the comment, Xena kissed the bard's forehead and said seriously "If this doesn't work..." Gabrielle looked at her and put a finger on the warrior's lips "It's gonna work, if not there will be a very annoyed bard visiting them...I'm gonna torture them talking days and days until they restore you" the warrior mood lighten "Don't do them that...I think it would be easier to ask Dite and Ares a favor..." Gabrielle was happy there has been a lot of time since the warrior has been glowing of happiness. For being a dead the warrior looked pretty good, in a moment she was lost in the warrior's eyes, Xena felt the same; both closed their eyes and began to lean closer, before they could touch each other, a bright glow came from the window, filling the room with light tossing the warrior to the other side of the room and slamming her in a wall.
Gabrielle opened her eyes, not seeing well, looking the warrior on the floor move less she thought the worst, she ran to her with the heart bumping furiously.
"Xena?" she whispered cradling the warrior on her arms, she patted her face for a response and smiled at a trickle of blood coming from the warrior's mouth 'she was alive', the bard smiled with tears on her eyes and chocked with emotion, "Xena wake up!"
The warrior opened her eyes and straightened herself "Geez I never thought that being a spirit will be o painful" then she re thought and tasted the alkaline flavor of blood on her mouth, she smiled. "I'm back"
"Yes you are back!" Gabrielle hugged her tossing her backwards "Where we were?" the warrior asked innocently, Gabrielle pointed her with a finger "Coach, three months for letting yourself get killed, for cheating me with that pissing shorty, and for leaving me without telling me your plans" Xena smiled "Yes, mother...." they stood up holding hands and Xena headed to the coach when at the last moment the bard pull at her and kissed her with all the love and need she had, breaking the contact a breathless Xena commented "I thought you said you were going to kick my...let me see if I recall right?...my princessly butt..." Gabrielle silenced her with a finger "Don't tempt me"
"Ok you win..." said Xena holding Gabrielle and for the first letting her tears fall freely."I missed you...I...I don't wanna be apart of you again...I love you"
Gabrielle was also emotional "I missed you too...if you do let do that again I'm gonna be the one who kills you, I love you Xena"
They held each other like that for more minutes until they saw the sun descending again closing another day
"Xena how is it the sunset now?...it was night some minutes ago"
"Gab who cares...TPTB have well...a different 'vision' than we"
"Oh they are into drugs isn't?" both tried not to laugh, but failed miserably
"No they just have seen a lot of movies, I know some of our adventures I had seen them before...."
"Well as you said, Who cares?"
"Are you gonna write again?"
"Yup...and the first thing I'm gonna change that stupid 'Friend in need' scroll it was good at the beginning, extremely long about that rawfish eater A.K.A. Akemi, and disappointing at the end..."
"I'm glad, you put a lot of visuals of my death...."
"Butchering" the blonde interrupted
"As you like it.."
Gabrielle turned to face the warrior; she smiled and then with out warning she punched her in the face, putting Xena on the floor
"Ouch!! Hey I'm still sore, I was pin cushioned remember?" said the warrior rubbing her cheek lying in the floor-
"Yeah, I knew you were always jealous of Callisto pin cushion effect" said sarcastically.
"...and why was that anyway?" the warrior asked in the floor.
"That was for leaving me behind, for dying on me, and for leaving me alone"
"We'll I think I deserve it..." said the warrior honestly and standing up "So no more couch thing?"
The bard thought it approaching to her "No, you have cleared your debt."
Xena smiled and took the bard's hands "No I have one more debt..."
"Don't tell me that you have another past-atoning-debt-with grossy consequences"
Xena smiled "No, the one I have is the 'I'll love you forever' "
"Can you say the mushy, lame line again...please"
"Good luck old friend?" the warrior teased.
"You are at two steps for sleeping on the floor" Gabrielle said teasing and slightly reminding her.
Xena caught her breath " Ok I don't want another five season thing...." she closed her eyes and think on the bard "If I only had 30 seconds to live I wanna live them like this...looking into your eyes...always..."
Gabrielle was breathless she looked lovesick at the warrior then rethought and interrupted her "Yeah if you liked that then tell me why on the sunset you look at the sun and not me?!"
"Ah come on Gabrielle! Forgive me!"
"Beg for it"
Xena knew it would be difficult to make the bard happy again (and to ease her attitude) but now they were sure they had a lot of time, according to Xena's contract in which Michael included Gabrielle they have 1 year of don't worry about the death.
"Plot holes weren't intended, mistakes neither, time was intended, logical neither, well...who has ever cared about logic on the Xenaverse?"